Well to be truthful I would love a couple of hours peace. Don’t get me wrong and certainly don’t pass judgement for I love my boys unconditionally and I would move heaven and earth for them but every now and again I really would like to be alone, I mean properly ALONE. I am reaching the point of exhaustion and I feel a meltdown coming on. As much as I love my boys the sound of a whine or a cry, the uncontrollable limb flapping from M whilst he feeds/sleeps, the demands from G and the utter pigsty of a mess around me is making me want to break down and cry.
I just want some time…..
I would love the time to get ready in a morning leisurely, pick an outfit, try a few different combinations before settling on the days attire, styling my hair into something other than the ‘I need to wash my hair’ quiff or the ‘I have no time to straighten or curl’ scrunch up and spray which inevitably looks like I’ve been dragged through a hedge but it’s better than the limp lifeless look my hair adopts in its unstyled natural state.
Time to clean my teeth properly rather than haphazardly run a brush over my mouth as I try to dress children or change nappies or stop G from emptying every container in the bathroom or pushing reams of toilet roll down the toilet.
It would also be nice to have the time to eat breakfast that is not a bowl of shreddies hoovered up in minimal time over the baby’s head. Instead I would like to sit (alone) and maybe have some scrambled eggs on toast, a hot cup of tea and maybe a glass of orange juice. I may get the tea later on if the baby is asleep but it will most likely be luke warm at a push as usually when I have the time to drink it when M is asleep it is too hot, as soon as he stirs and moans I remember the tea and attempt to enjoy the moment with my brew before world war 3 erupts but take my first gulp and its barely a degree above room temperature.
It would be nice to have the time to read the growing pile of magazines that remain unread and in their plastic wrapping. It would also be nice to actually potter about and sort out the house, do some filing, declutter – it doesn’t sound enjoyable but really it would be amazing to just organise things around me so I could once again feel in control rather than existing in a world of chaos and pretending that all is OK.
Life has become a circus act of trying to juggle: children, a never ending pile of laundry, cleaning (ha), attempting chores such as shopping and sorting out bills etc and vain attempts at making healthy nutritious meals. It doesn’t help that OH has just booked a holiday abroad and I am now panic stricken as to what on earth I am going to wear in such temperatures as I am carrying around and extra 2.5 stone of frump and I shudder every time I see myself in the mirror. What I need is some time to find clothes that are suitable for warmer climates that don’t offend the eyes of beautiful slim people, time to make myself holiday ready (I’m not saying bikini ready because let’s face it I think I am past the bikini stage of life) time to sort everything out as OH may have booked the holiday but it’s me that has to sort everything, I just need TIME.
But alas this is a mere dream as I will have to make do with snippets here and there when I can put M down and just do the bare necessities.
I write this as I sit in bed with baby M half feeding half snoozing and I am in a state of undress. I stupidly thought after dropping G off at nursery and whilst M was sleeping in his car seat I would have a quick shower….no sooner had I undressed, eyes opened and the squealing began…he actually produced tears!!! All hopes of being clean have been abandonded and I am now pinned to the bed half naked and hungry but I dare not move as I don’t quite have the strength to cope with a frantic baby right now. Instead I shall forage for the lost cheerios left by G this morning from around the bed, it might just ward off the feelings of starvation a little while longer…ooh a tommee tippee of juice this is almost a full on banquet. Maybe I will have a snooze myself and dream of days when I may once again have some time…alone – just for a moment.