An apology to my eldest, my beautiful boy who’s growing up too fast.
I am sorry that I’ve not been the mummy I used to be.
I used to spend our days together whipping up some form messy play, throwing together tubs of sprinkles and feathers, concocting bowls of edible paint, filling paddling pools with spaghetti, even just sitting and drawing.
Now instead I ferry you from the toddler group to nursery, from boogie babies to play dates.
I thought I was being a good mummy doing all these things, taking you all these places, but I’ve realised since really watching you these past few weeks or so I’ve not been a good mummy, I’ve been there but I haven’t if you get what I mean. I’ve been there to dress you and feed you, been there to change you and ferry you around but I haven’t been there for you, I stopped playing.
I didn’t mean to stop playing with you, it’s just I didn’t know how to, I haven’t had the energy, time or free limbs since your brother was born. I’ve placated you with endless hour’s of watching Frozen and the Lion King just so I can sit and feed, or I’ve rushed you out of the house even when you were happily playing just to avoid the moment when you would ask me to play and I just couldn’t do it, not with the both of you.
I thought I was doing OK by going to take you to feed the ducks, but I didn’t do it with you, I had to hold your brother, I thought I was exploring with you whilst we walked by the river, but I wasn’t, I was walking ahead thinking of what to occupy you with next, I thought I was giving you both my time and affection when you were sad, but you were the first to be pushed aside whilst I tended to your brother.
I’m lying here next to you as you both nap and I feel sad and guilty. Sad that I miss playing with you, sad that I miss seeing your beautiful face light up with happiness when you discover something new, sad that I miss the excitement when you realise you can be as messy as you want and mummy is going to play too and guilty that I’ve “occupied” you but not interacted with you, guilty that I’ve told you “in a minute” when you’ve asked for mummy to play, when all I’m really going to do is distract you from what you’re wanting to play with by taking you ou and going wherever we can go that doesn’t require much from me but will occupy both of you.
I don’t want to be that kind of mummy anymore, it fills me with tears when I see how much you have grown and changed in the six months or so since your brother was born and to be honest I wasn’t really there for it, I was just sat on the edge glimpsing in now and again. I don’t want to miss you changing and growing and becoming the wonderfully sweet little monster that you are.
I want to play with you again, I want us to get messy, I want us to explore and discover new things and now we have a new little explorer to join us, so we can show him all the cool fun things we used to do and try new things as the three of us.
I’ve realised it doesn’t have to be all singing all dancing, we could literally go and bounce on the bed (mummy’s bed of course) we could just sit and pick the flowers by the river, we could “decorate” some biscuits or we could just sit and draw like we used to.
So I’m sorry I’ve not been the mummy that I was but please my beautiful boy, accept my apology and I promise I will do better, because you’re growing up so fast and changing every day and I don’t really want to miss a thing.