So for the past few weeks I have been stuck in a right ol’ slump. I wrote a post not so long ago saying how its ok to ask for help and that was me floundering, since then I have been a little disconnected from the world.
I have been very fortunate that I have had the past two weeks with dear hubby at home. He has been amazing, entertaining the boys, making me yummy breakfast sandwiches….
…cooking, cleaning, generally been an all round good egg.
Having someone else to share the load has allowed me to step back from the chaos for a moment, but in doing so it’s allowed me to also disconnect and fall further into the slumpy little world that I seem to have made for myself. I’m not sure what it is that’s making me feel not myself, certainly the lack of sleep isn’t helping. Why is it sleep is the one major thing that rules all??? Some days I feel like I’m drifting through the day not sure where I am, who I am or what I am doing, having to be in charge and control of two crazed little monsters is just cruel. Give me four hours sleep in one go and I feel like a new woman, batteries recharged and raring to go.
So I know the lack of sleep is exhausting me but what else is fuelling my self pity? I’m pining for a bit of alone time. Hubby asks me what’s wrong and I just mumble that I want to be alone, what I mean is I want time…away from little hands clawing at me, away from inquisitive little fingers poking and prodding, away from toddling tornadoes of destruction as I attempt to do something that is not being mum. Sometimes I’m even sick of breastfeeding, I know it’s my choice to breastfeed so really I’ve dug myself that hole and I know it won’t be for forever but that doesn’t stop me wanting a moment here and there to just do some of the million and one things I have ready and waiting for me to start/complete.
If I think about it properly I think honestly right now I’ve lost my identity a little bit, I’ve lost ‘me’ and that’s getting to me. I don’t have the time to bake or cook like I used to, I don’t have the time to potter without little feet pattering after me, I struggle to find enough of a moment to really get stuck into a book or magazine so don’t bother trying anymore.
Couple that with lack of sleep and here I am wandering around with my very own grey cloud drizzling down on me. But I need to get out of this rut and change the way I feel….totally spurred on by hubby’s remark of me having a “resting bitchface” *oh god, I know I wear my heart on my sleeve and my face says it all but to be told I have a resting bitchface….this has got to change.
So in an attempt to turn that frown upside down, switch the negative to a positive, appreciate the silver linings and all that I thought I would reflect on the moments that have made me smile over these past few weeks.
Enjoying a spot of “baking” with my eldest, it’s obligatory to lick the spoon…be rude not to.
Nature walks with my three favourite men.
Wandering the forests of Sherwood at Centre Parcs.
Collecting pine cones, sticks and other such treasures.
Enjoying a cheeky glass of bubbles at the Nantwich Food and Drink festival whilst watching my eldest get his groove on to the live music.
Wandering the Gruffalo’s trail at Delamere Forest.
Splashing in puddles…because that’s what they are for.
Picking blackberries with my eldest….much to the eye rolling of my delightful OH.
Erm my youngest flipping the V’s….I mean enjoying the rays at Trafford Sealife Centre.
Nemo…another one….and another one, watching my eldest look amazed at the number of ‘Nemos’.
Enjoying some good ol’ swing time…or chewing on the swing bars and boosting his immune system.
Messy play, it was supposed to be biscuit decorating, ended up with hundreds and thousands all over the floor, and there was hundreds and thousands, hubby’s face was a picture when he walked in
Simple pleasures of walking through the town and admiring the flowers.
So although I’m shattered, I feel broken and I wonder how much left of me there is to give, it won’t be like this forever and I’m very grateful for my happy little family who do make me smile every day.
I’m sure my little grey cloud will lift soon….it has to, I can’t be stuck with a ‘resting bitch face’.