A new year has arrived and there seems to be a 2016 baby boom on its way, there’s a growing number of first time mum to be’s and then the wonder mum’s who weren’t satisfied with one or two and have decided to add to their brood.
I can see it now, the newbie mum’s to be will be planning and prepping and reading up on anything and everything to be as prepared as possible for every eventuality, all the while they will have documented each month of their growing pregnancy belly. They will confidently assure themselves that they won’t end up like the typical dipictions of sleep deprived zombie like mums and will embrace motherhood with grace and dignity. The old school mum’s on the otherhand will suddenly realise 9 months has almost passed and baby will be born any moment, they had every intention of recording their pregnancy bellies (maybe a quick pre labour pic will have to suffice) but amongst the mayhem of having a child already there has been little time left to coo over all things cute and newborn, in fact the most they have managed to panic about is whether to double buggy or not and if so which double buggy to go for and even then a decision still hasn’t been made. The memories of sleepless nights suddenly haunt them and the slight dread of how they are going to cope with a tantruming toddler AND a newborn doesn’t bear thinking about – let’s wing it and see what happens.
So to all you mamma’s out there expecting a bundle of joy in the very near future here are some things to expect as life as a mum.
You know your a mum…..
When after labour, whilst having your first poo you’re not quite sure where or what you are pushing and you hope it’s not another baby even though it feels like one.
When the adrenaline and baby bliss wears off and you realise you are actually like every other mum – those sleep deprived, vom stained zombie mums you promised you wouldn’t be.
When you congratulate yourself on cleaning your teeth AND getting dressed – today is going to be a good day!
When you feel a sense of achievement for getting to the bottom of the laundry pile,then realise you have a (wet) load in the dryer, one in the basket (also wet), and the rest waiting to be folded.
When you refer to your other half as “daddy” even when your not with your child (Liz.M) and he calls you “mummy” (Kat.A)
When today is a pits and bits day…forget long hot showers with deliciously clean smelling lotions potions, it’s a wipe over the essentials with a handful of wipes, that should keep you going until *fingers crossed the end of the day but more likely tomorrow night.
When going to the toilet becomes a full on interactive show with running commentary, which will soon become public knowledge to all those within earshot of your small child.
When the start of your day is ruined by the ever mounting pressures of Miss Rabbit and her amazing abilities, she works at the library, sells ice creams, flies a hot air balloon, works at the museum, flies the emergency helicopter, works as a dental nurse AND has kids!!! I mean wtf! I must be such a loser of a mum…I hate Miss Rabbit!!
(To a newborn) when you think a large bar of Cadbury caramel is an acceptable lunch because you have been unable to move said baby from your boob all day. (Rebecca.JJ)
When you check on your toddler see this and the first thing you do is run downstairs to get your phone to take a picture and wet yourself laughing! ! (Laura.F)
When hair removal becomes a multi razor mission with a deep clean between each stroke. Winter is a mum’s best friend for sure.
When you think it’s perfectly acceptable to answer the door with your baps out. (Laura.F.)
When you class a period of three hours sleep or more in one go a good night.
When without gin you would be a bad mum (Kate.B)
When you begin to like the taste of a microwaved cold cup of tea. (Kate.F)
When you can clean the house, make dinner and do the laundry in the one hour a child naps…imagine what you can do with a whole day?
When you’ve spent day after day dry shampooing or talcing your hair and you start to worry what will happen when you finally get to wash your hair #headpaste
When this gives you bragging rights. (Laura.F)
When driving to work and you realise you are still listening to the CBeebies album. (Heather. T)
When you assess a poonami and categorise it either as a complete strip and full pack of wipes wipe down or forget the wipes and dunk the baby in the sink and hose down – nuke the outfit there’s no point trying to save it, it’s a goner.
When you turn your back for one moment…
(Caroline.L and Jennie.K)
When you don’t even flinch at the thought of eating the half eaten food handed to you, in fact you don’t think about it you just eat it, you don’t know when you might eat again.
When EVERYTHING in the house can (and is) cleaned using mainly baby wipes….except the drain which requires CillitBang, because nothing else will shift all the tangled hair that’s fallen out since you gave birth. (Kat.A)
When you catch your reflection and can tell which boob you last fed from as it hangs in the breeze by your waist whilst the other is snuggled up at a respectable boob height.
When the mini dictator in your life insists “they are not tired” (Kate.F)
You enthusiastically point out (or more embarrassingly wave like a mad woman) at every passing emergency vehicle before realising neither child is with you. (Katie.H)
When people comment on how nice your hair looks and all you’ve done is wash it.
When a trip to the supermarket ALONE feels like a trip to the spa.
(To a newborn) when you have a million visitors who “help” by holding your baby so you can “get a few jobs done” like making all the visitors cups of tea or cleaning up the rest of the family’s mess. (Kat.A.)
When your living room looks like Mr Tumble has thrown up all over it. (Jennie.K)
When you spend most evenings on your knees peering under the sofa trying to solve the mystery of the fecking missing eggs.
When you can speak fluent Ponty Pandy. (Jennie.K)
When your Netflix recommendations starts with Peppa Pig.
When the contents of your handbag/change bag contains some of the following: a dried out half soiled wipe (with snot or food not poop that’s just too gross), raisens, half eaten fruit pouch, a squished packet of Organix crisps (carrot stix over any other flavour), calpol syringes, a confiscated stick and the wax of a babybel.
When you try to attempt to be this kind of mum
But end up being this kind of mum
(That is homemade pizza so half way there!!)
When you jump between your projectile vomiting baby and your freshly laundered bed linen…taking one for the team. (Laura.F)
When you no longer have a clue as to what is in the charts but you can sing every Disney song going word for word.
When you cry at everything, particularly adverts. (Fiona.S)
When you hide in the pantry stuffing your face with chocolate hoping the cacao fix will be enough to get you through until nap time.
When leaving the house is “easy”. (Becky.D)
When you finally give in to the wonders of the ipad/TV and realise it can give you five minutes to dress, pee, collect your thoughts and even let you have a brew. It doesn’t really rot their brains…does it???
When you catch yourself rapping/beat boxing/classical singing nursery rhymes just to jazz it up a bit.
When you chastise “flop” for being way too soft on “Bing” and that’s the reason he is a little shit. (Laura.F)
When you catch yourself ending a debate with “because I said so” – yes you’ve turned into your mother.
When your day starts with a tantrum because your toddler wasn’t allowed to stick in the panty liner.
When you start singing “big balloon, big balloon…bigger than the sun and moon” bloody Peppa!!
When you have to entertain the demands of your toddler and his sidekick.
(To a newborn) when leaving the house is like a Bear Grylls like expedition. (Fiona.S)
When you have to shower amongst this….(Helen.C)
When you look sympathetically at other mums with a child having a meltdown in a public place knowing you’re only ever one step away from it yourself -rather than your pre child disapproving self who would be muttering “why can’t they control that child”?! ….. (Fiona.S)
When you can complete most of your daily activities and chores including making meals and putting socks and shoes on with just one hand whilst your koala baby clings on.
When you know the location of every squeaky floorboard in the house and can ninja creep your way downstairs once they are asleep.
When you know the exact rhythm and depth of jiggle to get your child to sleep, throw in a couple of squats and lunges and it’s basically your 30 minute workout for the day.
When you no longer question the weird stains on your clothes, it’s bound to be vomit, poo, snot, half chewed food, glue, or the tears from your own sobs of despair.
When the following doesn’t phase you:
- Sucking snot
- Extracting bogies
- Filtering a poo from the plug hole.
- A slip of finger into pooey nappy.
- Vomit down cleavage, in face, in hair, anywhere.
- Snail trails of snot along the whole of your body.
- Discussing post labour ailments- nothing brings a friendship closer together than haemorrhoids.
When despite all of this and the many other things that happen in a mum’s everyday life, you know you’re a mum when after a hard day of shit, shouting, lack of sleep and dictatorship by your twoligan, when your boobs can’t take any more, your hair has been pulled, you’ve been scratched and puked on you look at your children and fill with pride knowing you made that and you love those little monsters with all of your heart.
Massive thanks to the “mum chums” of Nantwich for your contributions and pictures, it’s been a giggle ladies 😁.