To my boys, my little knights in shining armour, I write this to you as I want to thank you, I can thank you for so many things but ultimately and most importantly I want to thank you for rescuing me.
You see I have found these past couple of months hard, returning to work has been really tough, I have questioned what I am doing and why I am doing it on many occasion for I am exhausted. Exhausted from the long days, the working evenings, the ever growing piles of marking, exhausted from the feeling of despair after yet another paycheck comes in and it is almost instantaneously gone as I pay for your nursery fees. I feel like I am maxed out.
I have found it hard to leave you both having spent the last year or more together. We have waded through the tough times, the tears and the tantrums and I have wondered on many occasion as to whether life would ever become normal again yet over the months we have found our rhythm, we have found our happiness and now I am no longer there.
I have found the evenings when I don’t see you as you’re already tucked up in bed difficult, having always been there to make you your tea, tuck you in bed and kiss you good night, suddenly not being there as I work yet another evening as I attempt to bring in extra money to pay for the clothes we need and the food we eat and the occasional treat has been draining. This all weighs heavy on me, I feel like there is not much left of me to give.
Recently I have also found the world in which I exist in a difficult one, life is no longer a muffled shuffle through the crowds picking my way through the unheard conversations instead I am living each day experiencing wave after wave of distorted sound. I thought the solution would be clear cut and refined instead I am shoved into a cacophony of noise that now fills me anxiety and apprehension. Each day I feel of sense of overwhelming anxiety as I deal with the shouts, screams, noise. Nothing is clear, instead I feel like I am zooming through a tunnel at great speed with the windows down, everything is overlaid with a distorted whoosh. Crowds are no longer my friend, loud places feel overwhelming, I can feel myself shrinking away as I desperately try to zone out before I freak out.
I am not myself right now, I am not full of energy and life, I’m burning out but you, you are keeping me sane, you are giving me focus, you are saving me from losing touch. For every moment that I am stressed and down I see your smiling faces. Amongst the chaos you bring me happiness. You drive me crazy, but you make me laugh. You cause such madness and mayhem yet you bring me peace. You are the calm to my storm. You teach me patience, you teach me tolerance but ultimately you show me what its like to have something to love with all of my heart and to have something positive to focus on.
When my days are long and hard and I can feel the tension across my body rigid and all consuming, a cuddle and a whisper of ‘I love you mummy’ melts it all away. Instead of losing my cool when you’re frustrated and annoyed you have taught me to breathe through the moment, pull you close and hold you tight, feeling your anger ebb away makes my worries and stresses disappear.
So here is my thanks to you, my little knights in shining armour, thank you for making me smile each day, thank you for showing me the beauty in the smallest of things, thank you for shifting my focus from the negatives in my life to the positive. Thank you for being the crazy little babies of mine that keep me on my toes, for making me fun, for making me laugh.
My time with you is even more precious than it was before and I am cherishing our time together, our adventures mean so much more and bring me so much joy. Thank you for being the light in my life, for being my company and comfort, for being my love and giving me the right perspective in life.
I love you both with all that I can give, always and forever,